Lauren Welch

My story of loss begins in 2022. We had two living children and were hoping to complete our family with a third child. I got pregnant with a seemingly healthy baby girl we decided to name Alanna. At my 16 week appointment I learned she no longer had a heartbeat. After 16 hours of labor, she was born silent into this world and I was sent home to return to my life.

Doctors couldn’t explain the reason for our loss and described it as a “fluke”.

We were told the chances of that happening again were much lower than the chances of us leaving with a living baby if we were to try again. The decision to try again was not an easy one. The fear that comes with it is indescribable but I knew I could not let that be the way our story ended this chapter of our lives.

I found out I was pregnant 6 months after our first loss. I needed constant reassurance that this baby was alive so I scheduled appointments with my OB nearly every week. Each appointment we watched him grow and were told everything looked great. At my 12 week appointment however, we once again were told the baby no longer had a heartbeat. We found out I was carrying a little boy, who we named Hudson. I endured a D&C to have him removed the following day.

I knew in that moment that this was the end of our journey. Our story was ending with loss. In the months that followed, I struggled with secondary losses and no longer had a sense of identity. I was completely lost.

I attended a yoga retreat which was the greatest gift I could have possibly given myself during my journey after loss. It was there that I had permission to arrive with everything I had been carrying: the grief, the anger, the regrets, all of it. Before arriving, I felt that in order to move ahead in my life, I needed to “let go” of all those things, including my babies. I discovered instead that I could honor everything I was experiencing and allow things to be as they were. My babies could move forward with me in my life, just in a different way I had hoped.

As time went by, I began donating pregnancy loss care baskets to the hospital where I had said goodbye to Alanna and Hudson as a way to honor them. I needed somewhere to put all of the unspent love I was carrying and this helped with that. I wanted other loss moms to know that they are supported and not alone.

I have found that I cannot walk away from the loss community. I am a member and feel called to contribute something to support those who have entered into the most difficult time of their lives.